|
Ole and Lena were out walking and Lena clutched her heart and fell to the
sidewalk. Ole got out his cell phone and called 9-1-1.
The operator said "Where are you?"
Ole answered, "We were walking and Lena is on the sidewalk on Eucalyptus
Street"
The operator asked, "How do you spell that?" The phone seemed to go dead.
The operator kept shouting for Ole. She could hear him panting.
He finally came back on line and said, "I dragged her over to Oak St.,
that's O-A-K."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two Norwegian hunters from Minnesota got a pilot to fly them to Canada to
hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the
return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.
The two lads objected strongly, "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us
put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on
full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few
moments after take-off.
Climbing out of the wreck one Norski asked the other, "Any idea where we
are?"
"Yaaah, I tink we's pretty close to where we crashed last year."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it
take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?"
"Yust a minute", said the busy clerk.
"Vell", said Lena, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll yust take da bus."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support.
He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support."
"Vell, dat's fine, Judge," smiled Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to
chip in a few bucks, myself."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lars, the bartender, asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a
Norvegian and a canoe?"
"No, I don't," answered Ole.
"A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled, "Vell,
dere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lars: "Ole, stant in front of my car and tell me if da turn signals are
working."
Ole: "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing
Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee.
Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to."
So Ole drove to Duluth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries.
The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena
what she would like to say about Ole.
Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died'."
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, asked, "That's it? Just 'Ole died.'?
Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If it's
money you're concerned about, the first five words are free.
We must say something more."
So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put, Ole
died. Boat for sale."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along
bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a
long, dark tunnel.
"Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly.
"No," replied Lars.
"Vell, don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed, "I yust took vun bite and vent
blind!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired
how she was doing with it.
"Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet."
"How come?" asked Lars.
"Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet she can't sing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a lady turned to
Ole and asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?"
Ole replied, "No, I'm Norvegian and my name ain't Valter."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And dot's enough!! |
Redneck Computer Lingo
Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.
Log Off: Don't add no wood.
Monitor: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.
Mega Hertz: When yer not careful downloadin'.
Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin' too much firewood.
Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.
Hard Drive: Gettin' home in the winter season.
Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.
Windows: What to shut when it's below 15 below.
Screen: What 'cha need for the black fly season.
Byte: That's what the flies do.
Chip: What to munch on.
Micro Chip: What's left in the bottom of the bag.
Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred's around.
Modem: What 'cha did to the hay fields.
Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife.
Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.
Keyboard: Where ya hang your keys.
Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils.
Mouse: Whats eats the horses grain.
Main Frame: Hold up the barn roof.
Port: Fancy wine.
Enter: C'mon in.
Random Access Memory: You can't remember whatcha' paid for that new rifle when your wife asks.
> ONLY AT WAL-MART > > > > One day, in line at the company cafeteria Joe says to Mike the guy directly > behind him, My elbow really hurts bad today. I guess I better go see > a doctor. > > Listen, you dont have to spend that kind of money, Mike replies. There is > this new diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it your urine > sample and the computer will tell you whats wrong with you and what to do > about it. It takes ten seconds and costs only ten dollars, much cheaper than > a doctor appointment. > > So, the very next morning Joe does his thing in a small jar and drives it > over to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars and the PC lights up and asks for > his urine sample. He pours the sample into the computer slot marked by a red > arrow and waits. Ten seconds later the computer ejects a printout: > You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid any heavy > activity. It will improve in app. Two weeks. Thank you for shopping at > Wal-Mart. > > That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was Joe began > wondering if the computer could be fooled. He comes up with a plan to out > wit the computerÂ.he mixed up some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, a > urine samples from his wife and daughter and then added a sperm sample for > good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart eager to check the results. He > deposits his ten dollars, pours in the special concoction and awaits the > results. > > The computer prints the following: > 1.. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. > (Aisle 9) > 2.. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with antifungal shampoo. (Aisle 7) > 3.. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab ASAP. > 4.. Your wife is pregnantÂ.twins on the way. They arent yours. Get a lawyer. > 5.. IF you dont stop playing with yourself, your elbow > will never get better. > > Thank you for shopping your friendly Wal-Mart Store. And have a great day!!! > > > >
How to stay safe in the world today: 1. Avoid riding in automobiles because they are responsible for 20% of all fatal accidents. 2. Do not stay home because 17% of all accidents occur in the home. 3. Avoid walking on streets or sidewalks because 14% of all accidents occur to pedestrians. 4. Avoid traveling by air, rail, or water because 16% of all accidents involve these forms of transportation. 5. Of the remaining 33%, 32% of all deaths occur in Hospitals. So, ... above all else, avoid hospitals. BUT, ... You will be pleased to learn that only 001% of all deaths occur in worship services in church, and these are usually related to previous physical disorders. Therefore, logic tells us that the safest place for you to be at any given point in time is at church! ...And....Bible study is safe too. The percentage of deaths during Bible study is even less. So, for SAFETY'S sake...Attend church, and read your Bible. <>< <>< <>< <>< <>< <>< <>< <>< <>< <>< <>< | |
3 LADIES IN A HOT TUB
THREE WOMEN -- ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE
SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE
GERMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEPING STOPPED THE OTHERS LOOKED
AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.
"THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE
SKIN OF MY ARM."
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE JAPANESE WOMAN LIFTED
HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY
MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."
THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE
OUTDONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE
STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH
A PIECE Of TOILET PAPER
HANGING FROM HER BEHIND. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED
AT HER.
THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FINALLY SAID,
"WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT, I'M GETTIN' A FAX."
HOW TO TELL IF YOUR CHURCH IS A REDNECK CHURCH You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church If…The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members know how to play one. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church If…When the pastor asks Bubba to help take up the offering, five guys and two women stand up. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church If…In a congregation of 352 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church If…People think “Rapture” is what you get when you lift something too heavy. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church If…The baptismal pool is a galvanized washtub. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church If…The choir robes were donated by and embroidered with the logo from Billy Bobs Barbecue. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church If…The collection plates are really hub caps from a ‘56 Chevy pick-up truck. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church If…Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church If…High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church If…The call to worship is by a duck call instead of music. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church If…The pastor and his wife drive matching pick-up trucks. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church If…The communion wine is Boone’s Farm “Tickled Pink”. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church If…“Thou shall not covet” applies mainly to pick-ups and hunting dogs. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church If…The final words of the benediction are ”Y’all Come Back Now,!!! Hear”.
WRONG ADDRESS ??
A couple from Minneapolis, during one particularly icy winter, decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years ago.
Because both had jobs, they found it difficult coordinating their travel schedules. So ... it was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day.
Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel In his room there was a computer, so he decided to send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.
In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The dearly departed was a minister of many years who had been called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends.
Upon reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived.
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here
A barber thought that he should share his faith with his customers more than he had been doing lately. So, the next morning, the barber told himself, "Today, I am going to witness to the first man that walks through my door." Soon after he opened his shop, a man came in and said, "I want a shave." The barber said, "Sure, have a seat and I'll be with you in a moment."
The barber went to the back of the shop and prayed a quick prayer saying, "God, the first customer came in and I'm going to witness to him. So, give me the wisdom to know just the right words to say to him. Amen!"
The barber then came out with his razor in one hand and a Bible in the other, saying, "Good morning sir. I have a question for you... are you ready to die?"
| Before his wedding, a groom approached the minister with an unusual offer: "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honour and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever', I would appreciate it if you would just leave that part out." He passed the minister the money and walked away satisfied.
On the actual wedding day, they finally came to the part of the ceremony where the vows were exchanged. The minister looked the young man in the eye and said, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes." He then leaned towards the minister and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The minister put the $100 into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."
| Two women came before King Solomon, dragging between them a young man. "This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one. "No! He agreed to marry my daughter!" said the other.
And so, they haggled before the king until he called for silence. "Bring me my biggest sword," he said, "and I shall cut the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first woman. But the other woman said, "Oh sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The young man shall marry the first woman's daughter," he proclaimed. "But she was willing to cut him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.
"Indeed," said King Solomon, "that shows that she is indeed the true mother-in-law."
| A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience.
Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction and tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured that she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was run over by an ambulance and died.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said that I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied, "I didn't recognise you."
|
CHILDREN AND CHURCH
A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him...
"How many women can a man marry ?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that ?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up,
like the Bishop said.............................,
'4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.'"
******
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly
announced to his mother,
"Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that ? "
"Well," said the little boy,
"I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be
more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
******
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service:
"And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash
against us."
******
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say ?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out ?"
******
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go ?"
******
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed
all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, Johnny replied,
"That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I want to stay with you guys !"
******
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite
Bible stories.
She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an
airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt," was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph,
and Baby Jesus. But who's the fourth person ?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot."
******
The Sunday School Teacher asked,
"Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replied, "I don't have to.
My Mom is a good cook."
******
A college drama group presented a play in which one character
would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!"
A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would
spring, and the actor would drop from view.
The play was well received.
When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who
was quite overweight took his place.
When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!"
the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge,
but became hopelessly stuck.
No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.
One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled:
"Hallelujah !" "Hell is full !"
******
Pastor Dave Charlton tells us,
"After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky,
a mother with a fidgety seven-year old boy told me how she finally got
her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon,
she leaned over and whispered, '"If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton
is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again
!'
"It worked."
******
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime
story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to
touch
his wrinkled cheek.
She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you ?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too ?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed,
"God's getting better at it, isn't he ?"
|
THE BIBLE ACCORDING TO KIDS (Children’s statements about the Bible while taking exams at Christian Schools) IN THE BEGINNING, GOD CREATED THE EARTH FOR 6 DAYS AND GOT TIRED, SO HE TOOK A DAY OFF. ADAM AND EVE WERE MADE FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH’S WIFE WAS CALLED JOAN OF ARK. MOSES WENT TO MT. SIANIDE AND WROTE THE 10 AMMENDMENTS. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESERT. THE 1st COMMANDMENT WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE. THE 5th COMMANDMENT WAS HUMOR THY FATHER AND MOTHER. THE 7th COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALLT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH WENT AROUND DUMPING WATER ON EVERYONES HEAD. JOSHUA LED THE ISRAELITES IN THE BATTLE OF GERATOL. MOSES LED THE HEBREWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD MADE WITH NO INGREDIENTS. JOSHUA LED THE BATTLE OF JERICHO WHERE THEY FOUGHT WITH THE FINKENSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE IN BIBLICAL TIMES. THE GREATEST MIRACLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM. LOT’S WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT BY DAY AND A BALL OF FIRE BY NIGHT. THE EPISTLES WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES. SOLOMON HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
They're Back! Church Bulletin Bloopers:
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again", giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope a long with the deceased person you want remembered.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM- prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
Subject: Advertising > > > > > > On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon: > > Yesterday's Meals on Wheels > > > > ************************** > > > > On a Septic Tank Truck sign: > > "We're #1 in the #2 business." > > ************************** > > > > Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: > > "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." > > ************************** > > > > At a Proctologist's door > > "To expedite your visit, please back in." > > ************************** > > > > On a Plumber's truck: > > "We repair what your husband fixed." > > ************************** > > > > On a Plumber's truck: > > "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your Plumber.." > > ************************** > > > > Pizza Shop Slogan: > > "7 days without pizza makes one weak." > > ************************** > > > > At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: > > "Invite us to your next blowout." > > ************************** > > > > On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: > > "Hello. Can we pick your nose?" > > ************************** > > > > At a Towing company: > > "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." > > ************************** > > > > On an Electrician's truck: > > "Let us remove your shorts." > > ************************** > > > > In a Nonsmoking Area: > > "If we see smoke, we will assume you! are on fire and take > > appropriate action." > > ************************** > > > > On a Maternity Room door: > > "Push. Push. Push." > > ************************** > > > > At an Optometrist's Office > > "If you don't see what you're looking for, You've come to the > > right place." > > ************************** > > > > On a Taxidermist's window: > > "We really know our stuff." > > ************************** > > > > In a Podiatrist's office: > > "Time wounds all heels." > > ************************** > > > > On a Fence: > > "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive." > > ************************** > > > > At a Car Dealership: > > "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." > > ************************** > > > > Outside a Muffler Shop: > > "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." > > ************************** > > > > In a Veterinarian's waiting room: > > "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" > > ***********! ******** ******* > > > > At the Electric Company: > > "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. > > However, if you don't, you will be." > > ************************** > > > > In a Restaurant window: > > "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up." > > ************************** > > > > In the front yard of a Funeral Home: > > "Drive carefully. We'll wait." > > > > ************************** > > At a Propane Filling Station, > > "Thank heaven for little grills." > > ************************** > > > > And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop: > > "Best place in town to take a leak." > > > >
Actual ads from the New York Times
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG. BITES. ---------------------------------- FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL,1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG. ----------------------------- FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART STUPID DOG. ------------------------------ GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE. ------------------------------------- FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT ... BEEN OUT AWHILE . BETTER BE A REWARD. ------------------------------- SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS. ------------------------------- COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED ... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE. ------------------------------- NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY. ------------------------------------- HUMMERS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!" ---------------------------------------- GEORGIA PEACHES, CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb. ------------------------------------------ NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE. ----------------------------------------- JOINING COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300. ------------------------------------------- OPEN HOUSE: BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON. FREE COFFEE &DONUTS. ------------------------------------------- FOR SALE: ONE MAN SIX WOMAN HOT TUB ------------------------------------------ (AND THE BEST ONE) ...... .. FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica - no longer needed.
Got married last month. Wife knows everything. |
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